Tangled

*****WARING*****
This is by no means going to be an organized post.
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Have you ever sat down and thought I need to get my head straight but all that happens is that everything in there gets more tangled?
Well, that is my current predicament. I have had over a month of sitting down and thinking I need to get my head straight and as each day passes it gets more and more tangled.  Which is fucked because everyone tells you to think about what you say *(think before you speak), think about what you do, basically think about everything. I think about things and think about them and then think about the same shit again and again. I finally think that I have figured something out. I do not want to be a server my entire life. I enjoy it now, but that doesn't mean I want to be old still struggling to support my son on my own by witnessing. I want to become something.
I have realized in the last month it is not me that is afraid. I do have my fears but my life is past the point of stopping because I am afraid of something. It's other people's fear that stops me.
I am sick of people telling me how i should look talk and react to certain things. I am sick of people telling me how i should feel or that i am dumb for feeling that way. I have a child that is being cared for by me, at this point i have help ( which I am rethinking) but that help kicks me in the knees every chance it gets. I'm done being told who I can and can't talk to, done being told where I am allowed to park my car when I have spoke to the person who owns the spot I'm parking in. I'm fucking done being told everything. I am over people acting like I am the horrible person. I am not sorry that I let people know whats up I am who I am and that's that.
I am not going to change who I am because one or maybe two people may not like everything I do. If I do something that is fucked up tell me and I'll listen, but do not tell me what I can and can not do. Do not tell me that I can't do something. Anyone in my life is suppose to support me not me bring me down. I will be removing those people from my life.
I am sick of being fucking abused. Eventually, sometime soon, I will get out from under this cloud and make something of myself despite what this fucking cloud had to say. I am sorry you are not happy with the decisions you've made in your life and that you've spent more time always worried about how the people in you're life can do for you. Everyone you've actually spent time working on haven't turned out so great. I am done feeling like I am the let down. I am not going to let you make me one of you. I am cocky and I got there some how ... when I was little you told me I could be anything and everything. I refuse to believe anything else no matter how low things get I will always be awesome no matter what happens or what the world throws at me. Now that I'm close to actually doing something ,maybe not saving lives (2 lives will be saved) you cant accept it. You have to be fucking better than everyone. Oh my god you had a bad childhood, everyone had something fucked up that happens it doesn't mean you need to bring others down. You don't need to be mean to make sure you're the only one who made anything out of their lives. Support don't destroy, maybe if you tried that you'd be happier with what you've accomplished.
i will do something i am not going to listen to you're negativity anymore. Someone who tells someone you have to pretty to get that job or make remarks about how that place wouldn't hire someone like me because they hire "gems". "Everything I've read says all the girls there are .... they're not just gonna hire ..... " a fat girl? I'm over it. I don't think I am fat I have some issues I am human.Ii am not an airbrushed model or an anorexic bitch.
Really all I am trying to say is fuck you. Fuck you to everyone who has ever doubted me. Fuck you to anyone who tries to bring me down. Fuck you to everyone who doesn't want to support me in whatever healthy decisions I make. Fuck you and you and you ... I am fucking over it.
I will untangle my head and I will fucking succeed in anything and everything I put my mind to. I am batman and I am fucking amazing. If you know me then you know it is true. I will fucking amaze you in my own way.
I need someone to see my beauty and believe in me and my decisions. I guess this goes beck to my previous post I need to sparkle. I am sparkling I just need someone to notice and believe in me. I don't want people in my life who can never support me.
saying yeah you can do that but I think you should rethink what area you want to excel. That is not support that is bringing someone down. I will not be brought down. I will fight. IGIVFUCK!
i will fucking succeed with whatever I decide is gong to be my career!
my head is still tangled this didn't help much really all this clarifies for me is that if you wont be there for me I don't want you there. I am over trying to prove myself to others i have one person to prove myself to and all i can hope for is the best. in order to be the best i need to get away from all of this bullshit. I need to prove myself to him and he's all that matters. I will succeed. Most everyone in my life at this point doesn't believe in me and are causing me to doubt myself in a sense. I will succeed and sparkle no matter what you have to say and even more so because of what you say.
Once again IGIVFUCK and FUCK YOU.
I will become something and I will make his life the best I can without anyone telling me I can't, without anyone interfering, without anyone filling our heads with bullshit.

Okay! Here I come prepare yourselves because I will prove that I am as amazing as I think/know I am.

 My head is tangled because I listen to that person who no matter what is suppose to be there. That person is more worried about what happens to them. Uses who ever and what ever they can to feel better about themselves. Writing this I have realized everything that person says about me is what they feel about themselves and I am no longer going to take what this person says to heart especially when they start speaking of my faults because they're not my faults. I'm not denying that I have faults some of them may be the same as there's but I have time to deal with and fix mine. I am not going to be so worried about feeling good about myself that I forget to continue dealing with my own faults.

*****WARNING*****

I did not proof read this or spell check.

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I didn't give a fuck. I just ranted through my fingers I had to speak (type) my piece. I have no one who will honestly listen to me. I had to have a way to get my feelings out and like always I don't care if it gets read.

This is my  IGIVFUCK post. For once this is for ME! I felt I needed to write this to get these things out even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

Sparkle

May 1st

I was sitting outside smoking, enjoying the stars, pondering so to speak. Obviously something came to mind, shortly after I began to cry. It was horrific that a mere abstract thought could evoke such emotion in such a short time.

I have not really been thinking about much in the last month. I have been worried about being unemployed. Ingrossed in the worry of my lack of income, I have been trying to think of things to ease my mind. I thought of things I used to gain great enjoyment from as a kid. Once I remember these beloved past times I realized they were all creative imaginitive things.

Which brings me to the quick emotional response to the initial thought. I have a complete and total "artist block". Nothing pops into my mind that I can draw, or paint. I have no ideas for creative writing just real situations from the saga called my life.

I HAVE LOST MY SPARK

It is paralyzing when you realize that reality has actually taken its toll. When you notice it has changd you. That you have lost everything that distinguished you from your parents. No matter how much or hard you try. There is no way to prevent this terrible experience it sneaks up on you, one night you just understand it has happened to you. I want to be irresponsible again, have no worries except what I am going to do this weekend or the fact I have 10 minutes to finish my homework before class starts. I have become an adult and know there are certain responsibilties involved with this transition, and there is no turning back. I find this extremely depressing, it has made me cry more than once.

 I just want to make something pretty in the ugly that is my life right now. In the process of writing this I realized I have made something so beautiful! Whenever I am close to it  the ugly around me subsides. This beautiful thing is my son Kaiden. I want to paint a picture that is awe inspiring. I may not have painted it with a brush but I have painted an image of what my life will soon be when I get healthy. Get all the self depreciating poison from my brain.  I want to write something that is thought provoking. During these moments of self reflection I have done just that, if only my own thoughts. For once I am having postitve thoughts regaurding my future. I will make it through this for real, no pretending this time. I want to imagine something that takes you to another world. I have imagined it, it may not take you to another world but another part of life. Where you can imagine what you can become given the right attitude.

With all my self reflecting in public I am feeling so much better and I just rejoined the blogging world. I wrote this to help break up whatever blockage has developed in my mind ...

I NEED TO SPARKLE

and I am well on my way ;)

Found

  I seem to have gotten lost along the way. If anyone still reads this then I am sure you noticed I pretty much fell off the planet of blogging. When really I didn't actually land, I was angry, had things I needed to say even if no one cared to listen. I found some where I could spew whatever bullshit came to my mind about this, that, and the other thing. I got busy or lost interest. I wasn't entirely sure which it was but I have come to realize the reason doesn't matter. What does matter are the little things in life that make you emotional. Its the little things that matter. The emotion brought about by the little things that  help shape your outlook on the day, week, month, or year. If you keep everything bottled up you eventually explode like mentos and coke. You can't prevent it if you re doing nothing to be proactive. In order to be proactive against your impending emotional demise you need to do something that helps you cope with everyday life. I want to start spewing my bullshit again, it makes me happy. This time the bullshit will not only be due to the fact that I am pissed off. I am going to try to write something at least once a week. I wrote something the other day but I thought I should fill people in on some other thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head. Also to explain what has been happening that took me away then lead me back to the blogging.
When answering either question the answer is the same...Dave and Buster's.
What I originally thought of as my salvation quickly became my hell which soon lead to being doomed. I quit doing pretty much everything I loved in order to be a part of something I was never really meant to be a part of ... Don't get me wrong I made some friends along the way. Only a few of which I know will be friends for a while. So with that in mind I can't hate my time there completely. There are times when I miss it the money the sense of comradry. Now that I am not right in the middle I can see most of the comradry is a facade. I tried so hard to conform to what the corporate world wanted me to be and since I didn't fit in any of the pre-cut holes, I was exiled. I spent a year of my life there doing any thing and everything asked of me and in return I have been royally screwed over. I spent so much time in that place I alienated any and all of the friends I had prior to that hell. I had a false sense of security as all of those who are there do. You are nothing important, no matter how hard you work, or how special your skills. you ARE expendable.
I am sure you are expendable in plenty of positions through out life. The thing is I don't want to be expendable any more. I want to be important while keeping what's important to me close. So I guess the situation is some what my responsibility. I got lost. I am working towards being found. Although I am damaged I am working towards getting those damages to be more like glitches. I am having some trouble relocating myself, with everything I put forth at Dave and Buster's just to be crushed is a hard wound to heal. Not to mention this all happened over a month ago and I am still unemployed, I have never been unemployed this long in a decade. So the wounds that were opened by the hell called Dave and Buster's are festering and infected. I can't make the wounds work for me as cute little quirks until I can get this damage control under way.
.I think writing my feelings will be helpful in finding myself. I don't even care weather or not people take the time to read this it makes me feel better just getting all this off my chest. I have been thinking this over and over in any way i can twist it and Ive come up with no conclusions. I will be OK, then good, and one day in the future I will be great. The faster I can heal the damages caused from being expendable, not only from Dave and Buster's but so many other areas in my life. The sooner I can get back to who I was and with some improvements.
Wish me luck with my realizations. Come find me Ive not quite made it through ... No doubt that I will because I am strong but some help, support, ears or eyes will definitely help me along my slow journey of emotional recovery.