Sparkle

May 1st

I was sitting outside smoking, enjoying the stars, pondering so to speak. Obviously something came to mind, shortly after I began to cry. It was horrific that a mere abstract thought could evoke such emotion in such a short time.

I have not really been thinking about much in the last month. I have been worried about being unemployed. Ingrossed in the worry of my lack of income, I have been trying to think of things to ease my mind. I thought of things I used to gain great enjoyment from as a kid. Once I remember these beloved past times I realized they were all creative imaginitive things.

Which brings me to the quick emotional response to the initial thought. I have a complete and total "artist block". Nothing pops into my mind that I can draw, or paint. I have no ideas for creative writing just real situations from the saga called my life.

I HAVE LOST MY SPARK

It is paralyzing when you realize that reality has actually taken its toll. When you notice it has changd you. That you have lost everything that distinguished you from your parents. No matter how much or hard you try. There is no way to prevent this terrible experience it sneaks up on you, one night you just understand it has happened to you. I want to be irresponsible again, have no worries except what I am going to do this weekend or the fact I have 10 minutes to finish my homework before class starts. I have become an adult and know there are certain responsibilties involved with this transition, and there is no turning back. I find this extremely depressing, it has made me cry more than once.

 I just want to make something pretty in the ugly that is my life right now. In the process of writing this I realized I have made something so beautiful! Whenever I am close to it  the ugly around me subsides. This beautiful thing is my son Kaiden. I want to paint a picture that is awe inspiring. I may not have painted it with a brush but I have painted an image of what my life will soon be when I get healthy. Get all the self depreciating poison from my brain.  I want to write something that is thought provoking. During these moments of self reflection I have done just that, if only my own thoughts. For once I am having postitve thoughts regaurding my future. I will make it through this for real, no pretending this time. I want to imagine something that takes you to another world. I have imagined it, it may not take you to another world but another part of life. Where you can imagine what you can become given the right attitude.

With all my self reflecting in public I am feeling so much better and I just rejoined the blogging world. I wrote this to help break up whatever blockage has developed in my mind ...

I NEED TO SPARKLE

and I am well on my way ;)