Tangled

*****WARING*****
This is by no means going to be an organized post.
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Have you ever sat down and thought I need to get my head straight but all that happens is that everything in there gets more tangled?
Well, that is my current predicament. I have had over a month of sitting down and thinking I need to get my head straight and as each day passes it gets more and more tangled.  Which is fucked because everyone tells you to think about what you say *(think before you speak), think about what you do, basically think about everything. I think about things and think about them and then think about the same shit again and again. I finally think that I have figured something out. I do not want to be a server my entire life. I enjoy it now, but that doesn't mean I want to be old still struggling to support my son on my own by witnessing. I want to become something.
I have realized in the last month it is not me that is afraid. I do have my fears but my life is past the point of stopping because I am afraid of something. It's other people's fear that stops me.
I am sick of people telling me how i should look talk and react to certain things. I am sick of people telling me how i should feel or that i am dumb for feeling that way. I have a child that is being cared for by me, at this point i have help ( which I am rethinking) but that help kicks me in the knees every chance it gets. I'm done being told who I can and can't talk to, done being told where I am allowed to park my car when I have spoke to the person who owns the spot I'm parking in. I'm fucking done being told everything. I am over people acting like I am the horrible person. I am not sorry that I let people know whats up I am who I am and that's that.
I am not going to change who I am because one or maybe two people may not like everything I do. If I do something that is fucked up tell me and I'll listen, but do not tell me what I can and can not do. Do not tell me that I can't do something. Anyone in my life is suppose to support me not me bring me down. I will be removing those people from my life.
I am sick of being fucking abused. Eventually, sometime soon, I will get out from under this cloud and make something of myself despite what this fucking cloud had to say. I am sorry you are not happy with the decisions you've made in your life and that you've spent more time always worried about how the people in you're life can do for you. Everyone you've actually spent time working on haven't turned out so great. I am done feeling like I am the let down. I am not going to let you make me one of you. I am cocky and I got there some how ... when I was little you told me I could be anything and everything. I refuse to believe anything else no matter how low things get I will always be awesome no matter what happens or what the world throws at me. Now that I'm close to actually doing something ,maybe not saving lives (2 lives will be saved) you cant accept it. You have to be fucking better than everyone. Oh my god you had a bad childhood, everyone had something fucked up that happens it doesn't mean you need to bring others down. You don't need to be mean to make sure you're the only one who made anything out of their lives. Support don't destroy, maybe if you tried that you'd be happier with what you've accomplished.
i will do something i am not going to listen to you're negativity anymore. Someone who tells someone you have to pretty to get that job or make remarks about how that place wouldn't hire someone like me because they hire "gems". "Everything I've read says all the girls there are .... they're not just gonna hire ..... " a fat girl? I'm over it. I don't think I am fat I have some issues I am human.Ii am not an airbrushed model or an anorexic bitch.
Really all I am trying to say is fuck you. Fuck you to everyone who has ever doubted me. Fuck you to anyone who tries to bring me down. Fuck you to everyone who doesn't want to support me in whatever healthy decisions I make. Fuck you and you and you ... I am fucking over it.
I will untangle my head and I will fucking succeed in anything and everything I put my mind to. I am batman and I am fucking amazing. If you know me then you know it is true. I will fucking amaze you in my own way.
I need someone to see my beauty and believe in me and my decisions. I guess this goes beck to my previous post I need to sparkle. I am sparkling I just need someone to notice and believe in me. I don't want people in my life who can never support me.
saying yeah you can do that but I think you should rethink what area you want to excel. That is not support that is bringing someone down. I will not be brought down. I will fight. IGIVFUCK!
i will fucking succeed with whatever I decide is gong to be my career!
my head is still tangled this didn't help much really all this clarifies for me is that if you wont be there for me I don't want you there. I am over trying to prove myself to others i have one person to prove myself to and all i can hope for is the best. in order to be the best i need to get away from all of this bullshit. I need to prove myself to him and he's all that matters. I will succeed. Most everyone in my life at this point doesn't believe in me and are causing me to doubt myself in a sense. I will succeed and sparkle no matter what you have to say and even more so because of what you say.
Once again IGIVFUCK and FUCK YOU.
I will become something and I will make his life the best I can without anyone telling me I can't, without anyone interfering, without anyone filling our heads with bullshit.

Okay! Here I come prepare yourselves because I will prove that I am as amazing as I think/know I am.

 My head is tangled because I listen to that person who no matter what is suppose to be there. That person is more worried about what happens to them. Uses who ever and what ever they can to feel better about themselves. Writing this I have realized everything that person says about me is what they feel about themselves and I am no longer going to take what this person says to heart especially when they start speaking of my faults because they're not my faults. I'm not denying that I have faults some of them may be the same as there's but I have time to deal with and fix mine. I am not going to be so worried about feeling good about myself that I forget to continue dealing with my own faults.

*****WARNING*****

I did not proof read this or spell check.

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I didn't give a fuck. I just ranted through my fingers I had to speak (type) my piece. I have no one who will honestly listen to me. I had to have a way to get my feelings out and like always I don't care if it gets read.

This is my  IGIVFUCK post. For once this is for ME! I felt I needed to write this to get these things out even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.